The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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