he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
