Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
