I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Randomize