I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
