i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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