This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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