Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's shark week go big or go home
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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