I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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