I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
