I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
