Define "chronic" masturbator.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
