saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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