I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
