wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I supernannyed him into submission
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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