He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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