i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
