There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
