We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I deserve this hangover.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
