I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
