just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
