who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
