We won't sleep together?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover