someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
