i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My balls are so social today.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
