Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
