and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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