so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
