you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
