Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
