At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
