it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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