I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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