why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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