he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
