Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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