Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
