the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
