Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
