No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
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My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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