yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You pole danced in your parka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Randomize
