so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize