It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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