i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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