4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
ttyl tear gas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
