tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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