i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
