her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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