just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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