He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
