I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
