Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Found the puke drawer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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