i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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