There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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